The Patriot Parody
by pyr0
Summary: Comedic take on Mel Gibson and the movie. Hehehe...
1. Of Horsies, Yummy Tavington, and War

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _The Patriot_. Or Mel Gibson. Ewe.

**Author's Note: **So here is my baby...refurbished and clean cut. Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter One:  
Of Horsies, Yummy Tavington, and War**

**

* * *

  
**

_Enter a disgusting swamp during the French and Indian War. Death, destruction, and lots and lots of blood ensue._

_We now find ourselves in the South Carolina countryside. What a transition in the last five minutes!_

**Post Rider: **I've got a lovely bunch of envelopes and postcards, de-de-de…

**Nathan: **Look! A post rider!

**Samuel: **Huzzah!

**Margaret: **(_squeals_) A post rider!!

**William: **I'm going to sit here and stare at this horse as if I've never seen one before.

**Benjamin: **Ta! I've finished this rather dainty chair that looks as though it will not support my weight in potatoes at all! But, I'm going to risk sitting on it and curse in front of my daughter. Yes, that's the ticket!

**Margaret: **Father! A post rider!

**Benjamin: **Yes, we know that already.

**Nathan, Samuel: **Father, father! A post rider has mail for us!

**Benjamin: **Fine, now leave me to my work…

* * *

**SOMEWHERE IN A FIELD...

* * *

  
**

**Gabriel: **Oh, I'm so strong and handsome I scare myself!

**Thomas: **(_refrains from shooting Gabriel with his musket_)

**Gabriel: **Let us go see father now so he can praise me on my incredibly incredible good looks.

**Thomas: **A post rider…

**Benjamin: **I KNOW! Shut up, all of you!

**Chair: **HHhhssss….OWWW….

**Benjamin: **Even though I knew this would happen, I'm still going to curse my own stupidity in front of two of my seven children.

**

* * *

NIGHTTIME

* * *

  
**

**Samuel: **We still haven't opened the mail. Why does this not surprise me?

**Benjamin: **I heard that.

**Gabriel: **MAIL, FATHER! OPEN THE BLIMPING MAIL!!

**Benjamin: **I know.

**Thomas, Gabriel: **(_glaring in astonishment, mouths agape_)

**Benjamin: **Alright, open it.

**Thomas:** Yay! A war!

**Benjamin: **You can't go.

**Gabriel: **This one dude joined the militia.

**Benjamin:** So?

**Gabriel: **He is younger than I and also less radiant.

**Benjamin: **Whatever. We leave in the morning.

**

* * *

AUNT CHARLOTTE'S HOUSE

* * *

  
**

**Children: **We love Aunt Charlotte because she buys us expensive toys.

**Aunt Charlotte: **I'm going to bribe Susan. Maybe she'll speak and then Benji will have to notice me!

**Susan: **(_crickets_)

**

* * *

**

CHARLESTON SQUARE - NIGHT (Pure Chaos)

* * *

**Gabriel: **Oh, lovely.

**Mr. Howard: **Yarr! I'm a pirate!

**Anne: **No, daddy, pirates are bad luck.

**Gabriel: **How do you do, Ms. Howard? You may now drool over my facial features bathed in the fiery glow of the…fire.

**Anne: **(_thwacks Gabriel over the head_) You put tea in my ink!

**Gabriel: **You're, uh, beautiful. And it's _ink_ in your _tea_…

**Anne: **I knew that! (_thwacks him again and walks away_)

**Gabriel: **…But not too bright.

**

* * *

AUNT CHARLOTTE'S BALCONY

* * *

  
**

**Thomas: **Land ho! Err, there's Gabriel.

**Gabriel: **It's coming.

**Thomas: **War? (_does a happy dance_) WAR IS COMING!!

**

* * *

ASSEMBLY HALL

* * *

  
**

**Speaker: **You all are buffoons! ORDER!! Order this instant!

**Lee: **I am a soldier and we are at war.

**Simms: **Thank you, Colonel Obvious.

**Lee: **You are welcome.

**Benjamin:** I am a Patriot…

**Author: **Really? I thought it was about Jason Isaacs?

**Benjamin: **What are _YOU _doing here?

**Author: **I have the authority to be here. Are you questioning my authority, Martin?

**Benjamin: **No, ma'am.

**Author:** Good, now get on with it.

**Benjamin: **I hate war, even though I rather enjoy hacking people up with my trusty tomahawk.

**

* * *

RECRUITING TABLE

* * *

  
**

**Benjamin: **What are you doing?

**Gabriel: **Why, I'm enlisting in the army. They need a few handsome men you know, so we can keep up with the British. They've got Tavington and he's massive competition…

**Benjamin:** You are skipping around the question.

**Gabriel: **Errr, look! Lee is streaking!

**Benjamin: **Where?!

**Gabriel: **Mwahaha!

**Benjamin: **Lee, please spy on my son.

**Lee: **Sure thing, buddy.

**

* * *

TWO YEARS LATER - The British have taken over Charleston!

* * *

  
**

_Martin's Bedroom_

**Thomas: **Eureka! (_does warrior stance while dressed in his father's army apparel_)

**Benjamin: **Thomas!

**Thomas: **Oh, Lord…

**Benjamin: **What are you doing?

**Thomas: **Looking for some underwear…

**Benjamin: **Take off my gear. (_grabs tomahawk from him_) This is not a toy. It takes a skilled, intelligent warrior man to wield this. (_drops tomahawk, nearly severing his foot_)

**

* * *

KITCHEN - Night

* * *

  
**

**Gabriel**: My delicious self has been mortally wounded and I'm coming to scare the crap out of my family and almost get myself even more killed.

**Benjamin:** Gabriel!

**Thomas: **I don't care about your condition; I just want to know if you got to kill people!

**Benjamin: **For the love of all that is cheese, someone get me some bandages! A first aid kit! _Anything_!

**

* * *

THE MARTIN'S HOUSE - Afternoon ****

* * *

  
**

_The Martins are taking care of wounded soldiers._

**Private: **Thank you, sir.

**Benjamin: **I know that you are mortally wounded, but there are rules in war and I happen to want to follow them. You must find help elsewhere over the rainbow.

**Private:** Err, sure. Let's go, boys.

_The Green Dragoons come onto the scene, fully decked with weapons and fur._

**Tavington: **I am Colonel William Tavington. Tall, dark, deadly…

**Author: **Don't forget yummy!

**Private:** We surrender!

**Tavington: **I don't care. Shoot them!

**Wilkins: **Aye, sir.

**Redcoat Lieutenant: **Here it is! Here it is! (_hands Tavington a dispatch case_)

**Tavington: **Who is the owner of this muddy leathery murse?

**Gabriel: **Uhm. Me.

**Tavington: **DISRESPECT!! Hang him!

**Benjamin: **That's not fair!

**Tavington: **Who said war was fair, my beautiful man?

**Thomas: **Yay, I'm the stupid boy!

**Tavington, Benjamin, Gabriel: **What?!

_Thomas, like an idiot, runs and tries to free Gabriel and then gets shot and killed by none other than Tavington._

**Tavington: **Stupid boy.

**Author: **Squee!

_The Dragoons and other lackeys torch the house and other things._

**Margaret: **What now?

**Benjamin: **Revenge.

**Margaret:** Oh. Ok.

**Benjamin: **Now, I shall give my two young sons weapons of mass destruction!

**Nathan, Samuel: **Cool!

**

* * *

DOWN THE LANE...

* * *

  
**

_The attack on the Redcoats begins._

**Redcoat #1: **Follow my lead, you idiots!

**Redcoat #2: **Wha…? (_gurgle, die_)

**Redcoat #3: **I can't see – (_die_)

**Redcoat #1: **(_girlish scream_) ahhafscarymanwithtomahawk!!

**Benjamin:** That's Mr. Scary Man with Tomahawk to you! (_raises tomahawk for the fatal blow_)

**Redcoat #1: **Can't we all just get along?

**Benjamin: **Your leader killed my son. Let me think about it?...Uh, no! (_hack, hack, splatter, splatter_)

**Gabriel: **Father, you saved me, your chosen child! Unfortunately, there is blood covering my delicious self. I am ruined!

**Benjamin: **Ah, the deed is done. Too bad Nathan and Samuel are traumatized by the experience.

**Nathan, Samuel: **(_traumatized_)

**

* * *

AUNT CHARLOTTE'S PLANTATION - Morning

* * *

  
**

**Benjamin: **Farewell, brethren. We are off once again, as ever, to deliver these dispatches.

**Gabriel: **(_sigh_) Aww, do I have to?

**Benjamin: **Yes. Suck it up, son.

**Gabriel: **(_major pout face_)

**Benjamin: **Susan?

**Susan: **(_silence_)

**Crickets: **Chirp, chirp.

**Benjamin: **Can you say "goodbye?"

**Aunt Charlotte: **I wouldn't waste my t…err…she's probably a little upset right now.

**Benjamin: **Fine. I see how it is.

**Susan's mind: **Now that my father is too far away to hear, now I shall say my farewell…through expressions!

**

* * *

CAMDEN ROAD - Day

* * *

  
**

**Gabriel: **LOOK, horsies!

**Benjamin: **They're dead, Gabriel…

**Gabriel: **LOOK, more gore and violence!

**Benjamin: **(_sigh_)

**Gabriel: **You smell that?

**Benjamin: **That's smoke…BREAK FOR THE TREES!

**Gabriel: **What an interesting smell…I don't believe I've ever smelt it before…

**Benjamin: **Gabriel, move you fool! (_runs into the bushes_)

* * *


	2. Of the French, More War, and More Yummy ...

**Chapter Two – Of the French, More War, and More Yummy Tavington

* * *

**

_MASSIVE BATTLE ENSUES ON CAMDEN HILLSIDE_

_Lee's Command Tent

* * *

_

**Benjamin: **I'm sorry I wasn't able to help.

**Lee: **Gates is a fool.

**Benjamin: **Gates?

**Lee:** Not important.

**Benjamin: **Oh, ok.

**Lee: **Yeah…

**Benjamin: **So…Who is in command?

**Lee: **I think I am but…I…don't know?

**Benjamin: **What are my orders?

**Lee:** Uh…

**Benjamin: **Revenge…please say revenge...

**Lee: **((quickly changes subject)) We've brought the French into the war. This is Major Jean DeLancey.

**Maj. DeLancey: **Bonjour!

**Benjamin:** Hey, dude!

**Lee: **Back to the important issue at hand…The British are advancing.

**Benjamin/DeLancey: **Yes, we know that. Anything else?

**Benjamin: **Oh and Lee, please be so kind as to transfer my son back to my command so I can spy on him face to face.

**Lee: **Okey dokey.

**Gabriel: **NOOOOOOOOOO!!

((Glares from Lee and Benjamin; DeLancey is oblivious as ever))

* * *

_BRITISH FIELD HEADQUARTERS – Day

* * *

_

**Cornwallis: **Hello, I'm Cornwallis, quite a puff pastry of a man. Arrogance is my main personal trait!

**Tavington: **He's even more pompous than me!

**Cornwallis: **Remember, men, this is a _civil_ war.

**Tavington: **Yes, sir.

**Cornwallis: **I expect this war to be fought in a fair and civilized manner although Tavington has already brutally murdered hundreds due to his insatiable bloodlust.

**Author: **Speaking of lust…don't forget that he's still yummy!

**Cornwallis: **What are you doing here, missy? THIS IS A PLACE OF…Nevermind…A woman shouldn't be here, it's quite…

**Author:** ((whispering to Tavington)) Does this guy always throw hissy fits?

**Tavington:** You have NO idea.

**Author:** Ah…Lookit! He's turning red!

**Cornwallis:** GET OUT!!

**Author: **Alright, alright…((blows kiss to Tavington before bouncing out of the story))

* * *

_BRADFORD CROSSROADS – Night

* * *

_

**Maj. DeLancey: **What sort of men will you find in this drinking establishment?

**Benjamin:** Good ones.

**Maj. DeLancey:** How can you tell? They're all drunk and their judgment is off, why…

**Benjamin: **I know what I'm doing…GOD SAVE KING GEORGE!!

((At that moment, about 30 men step forward and pummel Benjamin))

**Maj. DeLancey: **I take that back.

_5 MINUTES LATER…_

**Brother Joseph: **Howwwwwdy! I'm from among the mountain folk!

**Billings: **What are we getting from this 'ere job?

**Benjamin: **Twenty shillings a head, unless I say otherwise.

**Rollins: **I'm in, dude.

* * *

_SWAMPLAND

* * *

_

**Gabriel:** Is this war more than about my dead brother?

**Benjamin:** How many did you get?

**Gabriel: **((Holds up jar of fireflies))

**Benjamin:** No! No! NO! How many recruits?!

**Gabriel: **Oh…I got 12.

**Benjamin: **Okey dokey. Get ready, we leave in two hours.

**Gabriel: **((As Benjamin walks away)) B-b-but what about my fireflies?!!

* * *

_SWAMP ROAD – Day_

_Another Massacre Begins

* * *

_

**Rev. Oliver:** STOP!! STOP!! STOOOOOP!!

**Gabriel: **Father!

**Benjamin: **What?!

**Gabriel: **Those men were about to surrender!

**Benjamin:** And your point is…?

**Rev. Oliver/Gabriel: **((Near tears)) WE KILLED INNOCENT MEN!!

**Maj. DeLancey: **Innocent "enemy" men.

**Benjamin: **Exactly!((Puts arm around DeLancey's shoulder in support; DeLancey kicks him.))

**Dogs: **BARK!! BARK!!

**Gabriel: **((Squeals all girly-like)) DOGGIES!!

**Billings: **Shoot them! Even though I'm a big, burly man, I'm mortally afraid of doggies.

**Benjamin: **Stay…Stay…Stay…

**Dogs: **((Growl))

**Benjamin: **Don't ya'll growl at me, now!!

**Dogs: **((Should we bite him?))

**Benjamin: **Nice doggies…I was just playing with you…Wha…

**Dogs: **((Attack Martin))

**Benjamin: **((Screams like a girl and runs off in the opposite direction))

**Gabriel: **Oh, look! ((Points into the wagon)) Alcoholic beverages!

**Billings: **No wonder they were guarding it.

**Maj. DeLancey: **Rum…

**Rollins: **Wine!

**Rev. Oliver:** These wagons must belong to Cornwallis…

**Maj. DeLancey:** Gee, how did you know?! ((Motions to the sign on the side of the wagon which bears Cornwallis' picture and the words "Property of Lord Cornwallis"))

**Billings: **I say we get drunk off the liquor, shoot the doggies, and then use Cornwallis' personal papers for musket wadding!!

* * *

_CAMDEN PLANTATION – Night

* * *

_

**Cornwallis: **I must look good!

**Valet #1: **Sir, I accidentally burned your coat.

**Cornwallis: **((Gasp))

**Tavington: **((Laughs evilly in a deliciously…delicious manner))

**Valet #2: **Here is…eh…another coat, sir.

**Cornwallis: **What sort of fool do you take me for?! _That_ is a mere horse blanket! It will NOT do…Take it away!

**Tavington: **It's quite nice, sir…

**Cornwallis: **((Glares at Tavington)) It's quite nice, is it?! THEN **YOU** WEAR IT!!

**Tavington: **No thank you, sir.

* * *

_ANNE'S HOUSE – Evening

* * *

_

**Gabriel: **I'm here to see Anne.

**Mr. Howard: **Aye.

**Anne: **Would you like some tea?

**Gabriel: **Err, what'd you do to it?

**Anne: **((Sing-song)) Oh, nothing.

**Gabriel:** In that case, whip me up some enchiladas too!

**Anne: **Here's your tea, sir.

**Gabriel: **((Chugs down the entire cup)) Hmm, hmm good!

**Anne: **((Giggles insanely))

**Gabriel: **What? ((Smiles to reveal…BLACK TEETH!!))

**Anne: **((Falls off the couch from laughing so hard))

**Gabriel: **((Shrugs and looks at the cat)) That's my future wife.

* * *

_CHARLESTON ROAD – Day_

_Benjamin and his men come across some Redcoats.

* * *

_

**Benjamin: **These wagons belong to us. Not you. Get lost.

**Redcoat Sergeant: **Prepare to fire, boys.

**Benjamin: **Look, there's no reason for you guys to die. Just leave.

**Redcoat Sergeant: **Aim…

**Benjamin: **Imbecile.

**Gabriel: **I hear horsies.

**Joseph: **It's a trap!

**Benjamin: **THE BRITISH ARE COMING!!


	3. Of a Husband's Loss, a Father's Loss, an...

**Chapter 3:  
Of a Husband's Loss, a Father's Loss, and More Tavington**

* * *

**Benjamin: **(_gasp_) Tavington!

**Gabriel: **Father, he cannot see you.

**Benjamin: **(_tears well up in his eyes_) Gabriel! That is the smartest thing you've ever said! (_hugs him and weeps_)

**

* * *

**

WOODEN ROAD – Day

* * *

**Benjamin: **Ride! The Dragoons are coming straight for us!

**Dragoons:** We see you, Rebel Scum!

**Benjamin: **To the swamp!

_Five minutes later..._

**DeLancey: **They're still following us!

**Dragoons: **We're still following you, Rebel Scum!

**Tavington: **I'm covered in mud and I've had enough! Ewwyuch…it's in my hair…There are easier ways to run out a stupid fox!

**Dragoon: **There are easier ways to run out a stupid fox!

**Tavington: **Will you stop copying me?!!

**Dragoons: **Stop copying me?!!

**Tavington: **SHUT UP!!!

_Benjamin and the others in hiding begin to snicker and giggle._

**Tavington: **(_near tears_) Back to the main road…

_After the Dragoons leave, Benjamin and his militia leave their hiding places in the swamp._

**Benjamin: **Do you guys know what this means?

**Gabriel: **We can make baskets from these swamp reeds?

**Benjamin: **No, you fool! It means we must form some sort of devious plan to get our wounded back from Cornwallis!

**

* * *

**

FORT CAROLINA – Day

* * *

_Benjamin strolls casually through open gates to see Cornwallis._

**Cornwallis: **I see you've returned my dogs.

**Jupiter, Mars: **Stupid, fat man…

**Benjamin: **Yes, sir. And now to negotiate the return of my farm-Ah, _soldiers_.

**Cornwallis: **Why?

**Benjamin: **Because, you old coot, I have eighteen of your men on a hilltop awaiting certain death unless you make the exchange. (_goofy, painfully obvious "I know something you don't know" smile_)

**Cornwallis: **Their names and ranks?

**Benjamin: **Sadly, they refused. One of them said that the Corncob wouldn't drop its kernels. That's all I can give.

(_Cue Tavington and his cheeks._)

**Cornwallis: **Make the exchange!

**Benjamin: **Don't you remember me?

**Tavington: **Should I?

**Benjamin: **Like your brother's uncle's sister.

**Tavington: **Oh, yes! I remember. You're the _farmer_…with the _farm_ and that stupid little _farm _boy!

**Benjamin: **I will kill you.

**Tavington: **Not if I kill you first.

**Benjamin: **Is that a challenge?

**Tavington: **Maybe.

**Benjamin: **Yes or no?

**Tavington: **Yes or no?

**Benjamin: **Fool.

**Tavington: **DISRESPECT! Cornwallis, have this _farmer_ arrested!

**Cornwallis, Benjamin: **Oh, shut up!

**Tavington: **(_cry_)

**

* * *

**

FIELD – Day

* * *

**Redcoat #1: **These aren't prisoners!

**Redcoat #2: **They're merely scarecrows!

**Redcoat #3:** And they're not wearing any underwear!

**Redcoat #1: **Tavington will kill us for this!

**Redcoat #2: **Rock, paper, scissors to determine who shall tell him.

(_Redcoat #1 loses_)

**Redcoat #2: **Haha!

**

* * *

**

CORNWALLIS' OFFICE – Day

* * *

**Redcoat #1: **One of our officers, sir. (_holds up scarecrow; his head lolls to one side and hits the floor with a stumpy noise_)

**Cornwallis: **Where are the _real_ men?

**Redcoat #3: **Sir, if I may…My belief is that they turned our officers into scarecrows using some sort of indigenous black magic and then made off with their undergarments!

**Tavington: **(_Thwacks him upside the head_)

**Cornwallis: **I'm surrounded…

**Tavington: **As am I.

**

* * *

**

AUNT CHARLOTTE'S PLANTATION – Night

* * *

**Aunt Charlotte: **The British are coming! Everyone in the basement quick!

**Samuel: **Go, so I can stay behind and almost get killed.

**Tavington: **Hmm… (_touches candle_) SHHhsshs…Oww!

**Samuel: **(_Hides under the table and, like an idiot, loads his gun, making a series of really loud noises_)

**Tavington: **(_Looks under the table – growls – ooh, sexy_) It never works… (_stomps off_) FIRE THE HOUSE!

**Dragoons: **FIRE THE HOUSE!

**Tavington: **Wait 'till I'm outside…!

**

* * *

**

**SHANTY TOWN – Night**

**

* * *

**

**Gabriel: **Here are some letters.

**Aunt Charlotte: **Thank you. Are they for us?

**Gabriel: **No.

**Aunt Charlotte: **Oh. Who are they for?

**Gabriel: **I don't remember.

**Aunt Charlotte: **You aren't very good at this are you?

**Susan: **Why didn't father come?

**Gabriel: **He's, uh, _busy_.

**Susan:** Liar.

**Gabriel: **So, how long have you been talking for?

**Susan: **I hate him.

**Gabriel: **You don't really hate him, do you?

**Susan: **Yes.

**Gabriel: **Well, that's good enough for me!

**Susan: **(_runs away_)

**Aunt Charlotte: **She runs just like that poor postman…

**

* * *

**

MARTIN'S ENCAMPMENT – Day

* * *

**  
Benjamin: **She talked?! Susan actually talked? And I thought she was going to be a mute…

**Gabriel: **(_stuffing his face full of Twix_) Full sentences.

**Benjamin: **What'd she say?

**Gabriel: **(_Thinks hard; face scrunches up as if his brain were about to implode. More Twix_)

**Benjamin: **Gabriel?

**Gabriel: **She said she, uh, loves you, and uh, can't wait to, uh, see you again.

**Benjamin: **WOW! I'm so proud! (_hugs himself_)

**

* * *

**

**SHANTY TOWN – Night**

**

* * *

**

**Benjamin: **I've returned!

**Benjamin's Children:** Papa, you're home!

**Susan: **(_silence_)

**Benjamin: **Hi, Susan!

**Susan: **(_runs away_)

**Benjamin: **(_Grabs Gabriel by the collar, throttling him_) YOU LIAR!! PIG!! BUTTMUNCH!!

**Gabriel: **(_making little throttling noises_)

**Benjamin: **You said she couldn't wait to see me!!

**Gabriel: **Maybe she's so happy she can't speak!

**Benjamin: **(_Drops Gabriel_) Hmm, I didn't think of that.

**Gabriel: **Oh, and Anne and I are getting married.

**Benjamin: **(_Faints_)

**

* * *

**

**SHANTY TOWN – Like 15 minutes later…**

**

* * *

**

**Reverend Oliver: **Kiss, kiss.

**Anne, Gabriel: **Kiss, kiss.

**Benjamin: **(_Cries into his hanky_) Weddings are so b-eautiful!

**

* * *

**

**SHANTY TOWN – Day**

**

* * *

**

**Benjamin: **Well, I'm off again. Goodbye!

(_Benjamin and Charlotte swap saliva…among other things_)

**Benjamin's Children: **Eww. (_trauma_)

**Benjamin:** Susan, can you say goodbye?

**Susan: **(_blank stare and more silence_)

**Benjamin:** Fine.

**Susan: **Father! Father!

**Benjamin:** (_falls off his horse from shock – or maybe just from leftovers from a bad case of vertigo in the 2__nd__ grade_) Now you decide to talk!

**Benjamin, Susan:** (_hug and cry together; she blows her nose in his shirt_)

* * *

PATRIOT ENCAMPMENT – Night

* * *

**Benjamin:** Who came back?

**Reverend Oliver: **Less than a third.

**Benjamin: **DeLancey?

**Reverend Oliver:** Last time I saw him, he was over there (_points in the direction of a scarcely populated forest of poison oak and skinny, whipping trees_) taking a leak.

**Benjamin: **Trust the French, he says.

**DeLancey: **I did say that, didn't I?

**Benjamin: **Teehee.

**

* * *

**

PEMBROKE – Day

* * *

**Tavington: **Alright, everyone into the church!

**Towns Folk: **Why should we?

**Tavington: **I've got candy!

**Towns Folk: **Yay!

**Tavington: **Lock them in and burn the church.

**Towns Folk: **(_Die…with their candy_)

**

* * *

**

**PEMBROKE – Afternoon**

**

* * *

**

**Gabriel: **My wife is dead. (_goes crazy and runs off with a few other men_) REVEEEENGE!**

* * *

**

**OPEN ROLLING HILLS – Late Afternoon**

(_Tavington is sitting by a babbling creek, shirt open, hair down…how many of your fantasies have started like __that__?_)

* * *

**Tavington: **Ah, nothing like a good shave, _especially_ when I don't need it.

(_Gabriel and his men attack_)

**Gabriel: **You killed my wife! (_shoots Tavington_)

**Tavington: **(_fakes death – teehee!_)

**Gabriel: **Now to finish him off, even though I should just walk away…

**Tavington: **Huah! (_stabs Gabriel_)

**Gabriel:** (_gurgle_) I'm too beautiful to die!

**Benjamin: **(_cries_)

* * *


	4. More War

**

* * *

**

Chapter Four:  
More War

**

* * *

**

BENJAMIN'S TENT – Night

* * *

**Benjamin:** Sleep well, Gabriel.

**Lee:** I'll help you bury him.

**Benjamin:** Get away!

**Lee:** Benjamin, he stinks!

**Benjamin:** (_gasp_)

**Lee:** Uh…

**Benjamin:** It is over and there's nothing you can say to make me go back out there!

**Lee:** Think about your children.

**Benjamin:** What children?

**Lee:** Fool.

**Benjamin:** Leave me alone!

**Lee:** Fine. You know where to find us if you change your mind.

**Benjamin:** Make me!

**

* * *

**

PATRIOT ENCAMPMENT – Night

* * *

**Lee:** You have returned to us, young artichoke.

**Benjamin:** Surprisingly, Lee, I took your words to heart and well, here I am.

**Morgan:** Tell me about Cornwallis.

**Benjamin:** Who are you?

**Morgan:** On a scale of one to ten, what sort of idiot are we dealing with?

**Benjamin:** Cornwallis is about a one-forty-five and that just ain't me.

**Morgan:** Ouch.

**Benjamin:** Tell me about it.

**Morgan:** Well, I've just discovered that he has about 6,000 total infantry, some under Taving…

**Author:** Did I hear someone say "Tavington?"

**Benjamin:** Oh, Lord…

**Lee:** Go away, Author. Now is neither the time nor the place for your sick fantasies.

**Author:** Do you know that right now, at this very moment, I could erase you from the story completely?

**Lee:** Erase me…?

**Author:** Completely obliterate you, si senor.

**Lee:** Oh pooh! Fine!

**Author:** Let me help you and I promise to get rid of Tavington.

**Lee:** Like erase him?

**Author:** Something like that…

**Lee:** (_raises finger to object_)

**Author:** (_makes cut throat gesture_)

**Lee:** Fine, just get out of my sights! (_stomps off like the wimpy emo baby he is_)

**Author:** (_notices men staring_) Carry on, lads. Just pretend I'm not here.

**Benjamin:** I have a brilliant idea! We shall trick Cornwallis and prove that he is as stupid as he is fat!

**DeLancey:** _Very well_, and how do you propose we go about doing this?

**Benjamin:** Easy. We use our weakness as a…uh…uhh…

**Author:** Defense?

**Benjamin:** Yes, that's the one! We'll use our weakness as a defense and _accidentally_ have our lines break before them and then attack from the rear. It's foolproof!

**Author:** And yet not enough.

**Benjamin:** What's that?

**Author:** Oh, nothing.

* * *

**COWPENS – Day**

* * *

**Benjamin:** THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES, BUT NOT OUR FREEEDDDOOOOOM!!

**Author:** Wrong movie, man.

**Benjamin:** Oh, right.

**DeLancey:** You should really be leaving now.

**Author:** Moi? Why?

**DeLancey:** You could get killed.

**Author:** So could you. Why don't _you_ leave?

**DeLancey:** _Actually_…

**Benjamin:** Enough! And now I shall ask a stupid question and drudge up painful memories for DeLancey! (_turns to DeLancey on his horse_) How old were your daughters?

**DeLancey:** Why must you torture me?!! (_proceeds to ring Benjamin's neck_)

**Benjamin:** (_gurgle_) And your wife… (_sputter, hack_)…was she as beautiful as you are?

**DeLancey:** TURKEY!!

**Author:** No, no, gentlemen! Let's turn it _off_! (_turns to see Tavington on the hillside_) OMG, TAVY!! (_squeals and runs off_)

**Benjamin:** Get ready, men. Tavington is much more deadly and intelligent than we are.

**Lee:** Exactly. Wait! Hey!

* * *

**HILLSIDE – Day**

* * *

**Tavington:** Irregulars are at their center. Perfect-o.

_Author grabs Tavington, who is now kicking and screaming, and drags him down the hillside._

* * *

**COWPENS – Day**

**

* * *

**

**Random Patriot:** Look, the British are coming!

**British Redcoat Army:** We're coming!

**Benjamin:** Why is everything so obvious?

**Lee:** Steady!

**British Redcoat:** AIM!! 1 – 2 – 3 – FIRE!!

**Lee:** 1 Mississippi…2 Mississippi…3 Mississippi…4…Oh, uh, FIRE!!

**Redcoat/Patriot Soldiers:** (_die_)

* * *

**HILLSIDE – Afternoon**

* * *

**Cornwallis:** Where the blazes is Tavington?

* * *


	5. THE END IS AT HAND

**Chapter Five:  
The End is At Hand**

* * *

**AN UNSPECIFIED LOCATION – Day…or is it?**

* * *

**Author:** (_opens bag_) Hi, Tavy!

**Tavington: **Err…I know you.

**Author: **I know!

**Tavington: **Where am I?

**Author: **Away from that atrocious warfare which makes you seem so maliciously evil and takes the attention away from you…and your sensitive…sensitively delicious self…

**Tavington: **My what?!

**Author: **Nevermind it all, my dear William. (_smothers him in kisses while he screams some more_)

**Tavington: **THAT'S NOT MY NAME!!

**

* * *

**

COWPENS – Day

* * *

**Cornwallis: **Bloody Tavington!! Since he is gone, I shall take over!

**

* * *

**

BATTLEFIELD – Day

**Astonishing Mess  
Absolute Madness  
Need I say more? Oh, there's an arm hanging from that tree…**

**UNSPECIFIED LOCATION – Day (still)**

* * *

**Tavington: **I must take my leave, fair maiden.

**Author:** :-(

**Tavington: **(_heroic, hair blowing in some wind_) My men need me…

**Author: **Fine. Just remember, if you try and leave the battlefield, that pocket will explode.

**Tavington: **(_looks down at his pants_) Uh…

**Author: **Do you really think I would do that?

**Tavington: **(_cough_) You do like it rough…

**Author: **Rule number one! I am _not_ a bloodthirsty author…just one with an excessively fangirlish demeanor and an overactive imagination. Now, you are excused.

**Tavington: **I'll be back.

**Author: **(_pinches a cheek_)

**

* * *

**

**BATTLEFIELD – Later**

**

* * *

**

**Tavington: **Ello! I'm back!

**Cornwallis: **Whatever. Just get your tush out there and fight!

**Tavington: **Green Dragoons!

**Green Dragoons:** Aye?

**Tavington: **CHARGE!!

**Green Dragoons: **Huh?

**Tavington: **Run that'a'way.

**Benjamin: **(_gasp_) Tavington! (_hastily loads gun_)

**DeLancey: **Our lines are failing, Benjamin!

**Benjamin: **Yeah, just lemme kill Tavington real quick…

**DeLancey: **But Benjamin, OUR LINES ARE _FAILING_!!

**Benjamin: **(_getting upset_) Then go FIX IT!

**DeLancey: **Fine. (_turns up nose and walks away all French-like_)

**Benjamin: **(_giggles like a little girl as he aims for Tavington from several yards away_)

**Patriots Running Past Benjamin: **RETREAT! RETREAT!

**Benjamin: **I hate my job! (_runs after them_) HOLD THE LINE!

**Patriots: **Are you out of your mind, man?

**Benjamin: **HOLD THE LINE!! HOLD THE LINE!! (_grabs the flag and runs up some hill only to trip on some rocks_)

**DeLancey: **Lovely.

**Benjamin: **NEVER GIVE UP…NEVER SURRENDER!!

**Patriots: **Why are you screaming?

**

* * *

**

A LITTLE WHILE LATER…

* * *

**Benjamin: **Where is Tavingpuss?! (_starts his madman satire again_)

**Tavington: **Insolent farming fool!

**Benjamin: **Ha! (_shoots…and misses_)

**Tavington: **(_looks at Benjamin and then at the hole in the ground next to him_) Nice shot.

**Benjamin: **Shut up.

**Tavington: **No really, nice shot.

**Benjamin: **You really think so?

**Tavington: **Yes. Very clean and straight…

**Benjamin: **(_lunges at Tavington and the two fight_)

**Author: **OH NO YOU DIDN'T! (_kicks Benjamin_)

**Benjamin: **WHAT?!!

**Author: **NO ONE lays a hand on my Tavy!

**Benjamin: **B-b-but it's in the script! I kill Tavington!

**Author: **Well, this isn't the real script, so Tavy doesn't die, 'kay?

**Benjamin: **(_cries; on his knees_) WHHHHHYYYYY?!?!?!!

_Tcheky and all the other actors and extras gather around Mel as the scene comes to a screeching halt._

**Tcheky: **Mel, it's not that serious. We're only actors.

**Mel: **_Shut…Up_!

**Heath: **Yeah, dude. Besides, he's in a better place right now.

**Mel: **He had better be at the Kraft table when I open my eyes again…

**Heath: **No, silly. He's with the Author now. She'll take good care of him.

**Mel: **(_more crying and flailing_) I WAS SUPPOSED TO _KILL HIM_!!

* * *


End file.
